Trying to Draw a Superman |
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When I was little and I would have a bad dream my father would tell me to bring Superman into my dreams. Superman, he told me, could chase all the demons and monsters away. This is what he did when he was a boy to make himself feel better when he had nightmares. As a child my dad was a fan of the Superman TV show and the comic books. His parents died before he was ten, and he replaced them with make believe heroes. I remember using the technique to keep me safe at night, and it worked throughout my childhood. When I was sixteen after he had his car wreck I felt hopeless. I wanted to do something to help him. I was too young to give blood, and didn't see much that God could or would do for him at that point. He was in a coma, and his once strong body had been destroyed. I remembered years before how he told me about Superman helping him after his parents died. I knew it was strange, but I didn't know what to do, so I began drawing him pictures of Superman. I put these pictures on the walls of the ICU hoping that he would wake up and see them. I hoped they would make him feel safe and strong again. He never noticed the pictures. Someone asked me why Superman was not smiling in any of the drawings. I didn't know why, but I decided to draw some new pictures of a smiling Superman. I created one drawing after another, but I could not get the smile to look real. They only came out looking really stupid. I never got Superman to smile. The last few days I have been sitting down trying to draw my father. Every drawing looks like him, but they look very sad. I ask him to smile for me, but the pictures still appear sad. I can see his pain and suffering in every drawing. When I draw someone I have to connect to them, and I think I am connecting with a side I wish I didn't have to see. I realize now that those drawings I made many years ago of Superman were really of my dad. His youth and strength were taken away from him, and it was just too much for even Superman to handle. February 19, 2000 |